I'm the one who reported your car stolen, as you left for work the other day. The empty dog-leash on the tow-ball was a real nice touch, don't you think?
The beehive in your closet and the food coloring in your shoes and washing machine, haha, that was me, as well.
When you thought that it was the fire brigade was calling you at work? I guess I don't need to tell you, that your house wasn't REALLY on fire.
I figured that it was a waste of your time rushing home from work to find nothing wrong, so I left some roadkill under your bed, to make coming home so early, worthwhile.
Taking the mouthpiece out of your phone was me and putting duck-poo into your dishwashing detergent was my idea, too.
By the way, it was me that burned the swastika on your lawn with petrol and that organised the black-power rally at your house. What a hoot that was, huh?
While you were in hospital I spent some time going through your things and it occurred to me that it would be funny if you came home and found all of your furniture tied together.
I used the cord from your washing line because I'd already burned all of your rope. It’s at rope-heaven now.
The trash can that I propped up against your door was pretty funny, you have to admit that. When rubbish and water spilled all in your house? Yeah, I liked that a lot, Roger. When you made me come over to clean it up, you know the final mopping was done with grease, right? Oh, yeah. …Of course you do.
Now that you’re out of hospital again, I took the liberty of labeling everything in your house with post-it notes. If you suffered some sort of memory problems from your recent fall, I think you’ll really appreciate those.
I also put a message on your answering machine to cancel your Meals-on-wheels. You could do with losing a little weight, Roger. All you do these days is lay there in your cast. I know that you try to get up to beat the answering machine message. You don’t realize that I’m outside your window, when I call.
The basket of chocolates that I gave you were laxatives, but I'm guessing that you figured that one out, already.
I don’t want you to think that I am mean, Roger, so I threw your wallet and car-keys into your toilet. Let that serve you as a warning, for thinking such things.
You take things way too seriously, Roger. You need to smile once in a while. Have a laugh at life. That's why I cut boob-holes in all of your work shirts. Look at them each time you feel stressed about anything and your sad face will just smile. Mine does.